The 4 R’s to a Calmer System

The words “calm down” can sometimes feel triggering and may even make us respond in the opposite way, making us feel anything except calm. We are often caught up in the hustle and bustle of daily tasks that we hit our breaking point before we even realize that we are at capacity. This is a recipe for disaster and an unsustainable way to function. So how do we know when we need to take a break or better yet what do we do to help feel calm and re-regulate.

Clinically, we refer to the verbiage regulate, regulation, state of regulation etc. This is in reference to one’s nervous system; ideally accessing the parasympathetic nervous system. Quick run down: The nervous system is intended to keep you alive and wow, is it amazing and does that job, but for many it is over active and constantly in a heightened state and taking over believing that everything is a life threatening situation, when in reality it is not. We do not need it to do this daily when we are not in a life or death situation. Ie: being late to a meeting, fighting with a partner, forgetting to turn in an assignment. Now, don’t get me wrong- these are stressful situations and can feel like a survival situation, but in reality they are not and cause the body to remain in the heightened state and or numb state; hyperaroused or hyoparoused.

The first thing to do is become aware of your body and how it feels and look for themes and patterns that cause dysregylation for you. These will be the signs of when you need to reach for a tool and or access the 4 R’s.

Recognize:

Recognizing would be step one. We aren’t able to help if we don’t identify the need for it or listen and name what is going on for us. This is intended to be done through a non-judgment lens and using these cues as messengers. Maybe the body is feeling overwhelmed and has hit its capacity and our fists are getting tight or our breathing is becoming shallow. During recognition, we are just naming that our system is sending us signs asking us to listen to it. Naming what is going on in our brain and body can help and allow us to take the next appropriate steps. Also, this may come from a helper or a parent who knows you well and can help you move to the next step. It is always OK to use our resources and help.

Recognition might look like this:

• My chest is tight and my stomach is starting to hurt and I feel like I am going to scream

• My head is pounding and I feel angry and as if I might hit the next person who tries to talk to me

• My fists are tight and I feel like I can’t do anything right and I want to scream

• I feel angry, I feel mad, I feel pissed off, my body wants to run away

Regulate:

Now that you have identified that you aren’t in a calm space and taking the steps to get there, ask yourself “what do I need to feel calm, clear headed, and more in control” This should be on the shorter end helping you identify the need for calm and getting yourself to a place to think clearly about re-setting your system. I encourage this to take about 1-3 minutes.

Some ideas to help regulate:

• Drink of water

• Standing up from a seated position

• Breathing exercise

• Petting a dog

• Saying your mantra

• Moving into a new physical environment (stepping outside, going into a different area in the office or school building, or different room in the house)

• Engaging any of your senses

• Having a snack

• Check in with yourself and meet the needs being dismissed or ignored

Recharge:

Now that you have brought your system out of crisis and on your way to calm it’s time to be intentional about the next 10-15 minutes. When recharging, it is important to do something that is fulfilling and helpful. This can ebb and flow and look different the more you practice, connect and trust your self. Recharging is not only helping you in this moment, but it is also allowing you to carry on a sense of self-love and deserving to the next part of your day or evening. Think of a cell phone battery. When it dies, we don’t just plug it in (regulate) and use it immediately. We have to give it some time to recharge and use the charger as a tool (recharge). Here are some idea to help recharge:

• Guided meditation

• Walk around the block

• Cooking a meal

• Calling a friend

• Doing some stretches

• Journaling

• Listen to a favorite play list

• Draw/paint/color

• Brain dump

• Sit in nature

• Read

Revisit:

This step is often forgotten and is just as important as the regulating and recharging step. Revisit the task, conversation, situation, and or encounter that you took some time from that either caused the dysregulation and or was the last thing you were doing prior to feeling dysregulated. This will help reinforce that you don’t need to suppress things and can handle much more once you are regulated and calm. Also, you may have more success, different outcomes and or perspectives on it due to being in a more regulated space.

You owe it to yourself and those around you to regulate, recharge, and revisit!